How to prepare for a 'happy death'

When Catholics pray for the grace of a holy or happy death, the answer will depend largely on how well they are prepared for the hour every person will face.

For those who embrace the Catholic faith, dying a good death means being spiritually ready and in the good graces of the Church. Ideally, such preparation occurs daily and spans a lifetime, involving regular attendance at Mass, receiving the sacraments, and being reconciled with others.

As a priest who worked in the funeral business before entering the seminary, Fr. Christopher Monturo, chaplain of New York’s Westchester County Chapter of Legatus, has known many people who have died good deaths. In particular, he recalls his great-aunt, Sr. Muriel Monturo, who died in 2003 at 94 after 72 years as a Sister of Mercy.

On the night before her passing, Fr. Monturo had taken Communion to her, anointed and blessed her, and prayed the rosary at her bedside. He planned to stay with her, but as the clock struck midnight, she awakened and admonished him to “go home.” When he demurred, saying he didn’t want her to be alone, she said, “Honey, I’ve never been alone. Now, go home.”

God was always with her

His great-aunt didn’t explain what she meant, but Fr. Monturo knew she was saying that God was always with her. “Jesus had inspired her from the very beginning, called her to and inspired her vocation. She knew what she was about, and she knew where she was going. She was totally at peace.”

All Catholics can prepare for such a death simply by attending Mass each week, Fr. Monturo said.

“Every Mass, every liturgy, in a very real way brings our attention to those ‘four last things’ — death, judgment, heaven, and hell,” he explained. “If you listen carefully and enter into the prayers of the Mass, especially the eucharistic prayer, but also the prayer of the faithful, the readings, and very often the music, all our liturgy comes together to really direct our attention from the world to eternity. I think every Mass in a way, even though we may not often think of it, is a preparation for our ultimate destiny, which is heaven.”

Father Monturo likes to remind people that when they step over the threshold of the church, they enter a different dimension, one that is outside time and space.

“When we pray the Mass and enter into it, we have to try to allow ourselves to enter into that different reality, that different dimension, and place ourselves in the presence of God, who is eternal now and not bound by time and space,” he said. “The fact of being conscious of that is focusing our attention on eternity.”

Besides going to Mass, Bishop Joseph Coffey, vicar for veterans’ affairs in the Archdiocese for the Military Services, USA, recommends living in a state of grace and receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation regularly, confessing any mortal sin as soon as possible.

“The Church gives us so many weapons against the world, the devil, evil, and sin,” said Bishop Coffey, who spoke in January at a general session of Legatus Summit East 2022 at Amelia Island, FL. “We have the teachings of the Church, we have holy Mass and Communion, the rosary, all our devotions. We have to take advantage of these and live the best life we can live as Catholics, share our faith with others, teach our loved ones not to fear death, and live a good holy life so that each day is a gift.”

Father Monturo added that he considers the rosary, especially when prayed slowly and meditatively, to be a help in preparing for death.

“We pray more than 50 Hail Marys in which we say, ‘pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death,’” he noted. “Every time we pray the Hail Mary, we ought to think of our own death, what that will be like, will I be prepared, am I ready, and let me make myself ready now.”

Forgiveness and reconciliation

Preparation for a good death also can involve reconciling with estranged loved ones.

“The key is always to use Jesus as an example,” Bishop Coffey said. “From the cross, He said, ‘Father, forgive them.’ If you need to forgive, do it. If you need to ask for forgiveness, do it. Sometimes, it’s easier said than done. Family relationships can be difficult, but we have to be able to forgive and ask for forgiveness. If it’s not possible, do it in your heart. Even if that person has passed on, you can still forgive in your heart.”

Reconciliation, however, requires willingness on both sides. When it is not possible, Fr. Monturo said, “It has to be left in God’s hands, and ultimately God will see to it that whatever needs to be done will be done.”

When death is approaching, having a priest is most important because in bringing the sacraments to the sick or dying, he brings Christ, Fr. Monturo said.

“The presence of Christ in our midst in the Eucharist, the sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick, absolution from our sins, and the associated prayers are absolutely indispensable,” he said. “The sacraments are signs instituted by Christ to bring grace, so when the priest is present in times of serious illness or death, we know that Christ is present with us. He walks with us, and there can’t be anything greater than that. To have the foretaste of that to help us through this life to eternal life is the most important thing, and nothing can compare to it.”

Bishop Coffey, who works with priest chaplains serving in Veterans’ Administration hospitals, recommends making sure one’s family members, especially those who may be away from the Church, know in advance to call a priest. This should be done in a timely fashion and not at the last minute. “It’s important the priest be given plenty of time to get to the hospital, nursing home, or someone’s home,” he urged.

Requesting apostolic pardon

Additionally, Catholics can request that the priest who anoints them prays the apostolic pardon, a blessing with an indulgence that forgives temporal punishment due to sin and is given when someone is in danger of death (see “Culture of Life” column, Legatus magazine, March 2022 issue).

Provisions for a good death also should include advance directives for health care that are in conformity with Church teaching. Bishop Coffey said although the Church opposes euthanasia and assisted suicide, when someone is terminally ill, it advocates for basic nutrition – food and water – and does not require extraordinary means to prolong life. For specifics, he suggested consulting one’s diocese.

In preparing for death, many people pre-plan their funerals, choosing the readings and hymns for the Mass, the church where it is to be celebrated, and designating a particular priest. Some arrange for Masses to be said for their souls after death and write letters to loved ones, particularly those who have left the Church, expressing what their faith has meant to them.

Bishop Coffey said it is important for Catholics to stipulate that they want a funeral Mass, even in cases of cremation, lest family members who do not recognize its significance opt instead for a funeral home service. Cremation is allowed provided the ashes are interred in a cemetery or columbarium.

Making such arrangements in advance need not be a gloomy task, Bishop Coffey said. “I was fortunate that I was able to plan my parents’ funeral Masses with them . . . Rather than morbid or sad,” he said, “it was actually very beautiful.”

JUDY ROBERTS is a Legatus magazine staff writer. 


A ‘good’ passing for survivors: celebrating death, not chaos

Upon the death of his uncle, J. Michael Belz was charged with handling the arrangements.

“He had everything ready,” Belz recalled. “We celebrated his death. We didn’t celebrate chaos.”

Belz, the president and CEO of Catholic Life Insurance in San Antonio, TX, is a proponent of practical planning for death that focuses on what the survivors will face afterward.

The arrival of the first Social Security check is a good time to start forming those plans, said Belz, a Legate of the San Antonio Chapter.

“Imagine yourself out of the picture and looking at it and watching people while they’re putting it all together,” he said. “You truly want them to be loving and remembering you for all the right reasons, but if you don’t have anything prepared, it’s easy for them to get upset after you die.”

Belz said such preparation starts with leaving a debt-free estate or providing for payment of debt or anticipated needs, such as a child’s college expenses.

He recommends that funeral and burial arrangements also be made and covered by a prepaid plan or a final-expenses insurance policy.

When making such plans, Belz said, it is important to remember that there is no “one size fits all” approach. “A lot of people think you can just go online and order a policy or talk to an agent,” he said. “You need to sit down with someone.”

The first rule, Belz explained, is to make a will so that survivors know how to dispose of houses, vehicles, and family heirlooms. Secondly, “Select someone you trust as an executor,” he said. “It may not be a family member. It may be a best friend you went to school with, though ideally it should be someone younger.” The point is, Belz said, “There needs to be a clear path when you die – everything from where the will is and do you have a safe-deposit box.”

Additionally, he said, at a time when so much activity occurs online, it is crucial to let someone know how to access digital accounts. The answer, Belz said, is not to hide a list of usernames and passwords in the freezer, but to place it in a safe-deposit box or employ a cybersecurity service like Keeper or Dashlane.

For help with planning, especially if a large amount of assets is involved, Belz recommends having a team that includes an accountant, an attorney, and an insurance agent or financial planner.

Finally, he advises spouses to schedule an annual date night to talk about finances. This should cover all accounts, their location, and how to access them. It also can be a time to ensure both spouses are on every account or, in the case of an Individual Retirement Account, to update the beneficiaries.

Most importantly, he said, “Don’t avoid the topic. You’ve got to talk about it.”