Healing those wounds that surface in marriage

Many of us carry wounds from our upbringing, from dysfunctional family life, from traumatic events, or from patterns of unhealthy behavior we developed over the years. Others of us might carry even deeper wounds from abandonment; parents divorcing; manipulation; a parent with alcoholism or narcissism; or physical, psychological, or sexual abuse. As God draws closer to people in any state of life, he wants to bring those wounds to our attention.

But in marriage, this process of sanctification takes on a particular shape. God sanctifies couples precisely through the ordinary demands, trials, hurts, and stresses of married life. These, in fact, are the instruments God uses to make us holy, to give us opportunities to love more — and to make us more aware of areas he wants to heal. …

The pressures and demands of marriage and family life squeeze every ounce of energy and effort out of us. As we are stretched like never before, whatever wounds we carry start to manifest themselves in new ways. ….

If you find yourself in this situation, there are four critical things you need to keep in mind.

First, don’t panic. … It is not a sign that something is terribly wrong in your marriage or that you have failed in some way. It is a sign the sacrament is working! This is what marriage does. …

Second, don’t run away from your wounds. As Jesus, the Divine Physician, draws near to those areas of our lives he wants to heal, we will be tempted to run away — to keep busy, to blame others for our troubles, or to convince ourselves we don’t have a problem. It can be so painful to go there with him and revisit the hurts of our past. …
 
Third, realize these hurts from the past don’t have to define us. Jesus doesn’t want us to use our wounds as an excuse for failing in love and not growing in virtue. … He actually wants us to do the hard work of meeting him in the cross of our sufferings and allowing him to bring life from those areas of darkness. If we cooperate with the healing process, we are not just comforted by God’s love. His love changes us. …

Fourth, seek help. Have the humility to recognize you have a wound that affects you, your marriage, and your family. Seek help from a good spiritual director. Seek help from a professional therapist. Often both are needed. … Be willing to put in the hard work for the healing process. Your spouse is depending on you. Your children are depending on you. Jesus is longing to heal you. Will you let him in?

Excerpted from The Good, the Messy, and the Beautiful: The Joys and Struggles of Real Married Life, by Edward and Beth Sri (Ascension Press, 2022), pp. 62-65.

EDWARD AND BETH SRI 
write, mentor, and present nationally on spirituality, marriage, and family life.