Grandparents, share your stories and family culture

Our grandchildren are one of our greatest joys. If we knew how fun grandparenting would be, we would have skipped over parenting altogether.

Our grandchildren surprise us in many ways. We are amazed that they love us so much. We are impressed at how smart they are and how fast they grow. We are astounded at how quickly they can make a mess in our home and how exhausted we are when they leave. All of this reminds us that parenting is hard work and that our married children need all the help they can get.

Parents of adult children may not initially realize it, but they have been promoted. When adult children get married, a new family is created. So instead of being responsible for only one family, parents now have a sacred calling to serve as a support and encouragement for multiple families. Now they have a multigenerational impact!

Realizing this, grandparents must first support the marriage of their children. That means modeling a healthy relationship, encouraging regular date nights, and always working for the good of the marriage. Grandparenting is also a unique opportunity and a responsibility because grandparents can have an influence on the lives of their grandchildren second only to that of parents. While keeping that in mind, grandparents should never undermine a parent’s authority to a child, even if the parent is raising that child differently than they raised them. The parental bond is the most important relationship in the life of a child, so when a grandparent can support and encourage that relationship, they can do the greatest good for that child.

Another way that grandparents can serve their married children is to share their story. When grandparents share stories from their own experience, that actually encourages younger couples. Through the sharing of their lives, experienced couples communicate that it’s okay to stumble, it’s okay to have conflict, and difficulties can be overcome through perseverance, love, and grace. Very often adult children do not welcome unsolicited advice, but through the retelling of life events and struggles the same lessons
can be communicated in a subtle-but-powerful way.

Stories are also important for grandchildren. Being told stories of family history serves to ground children. It reminds them that the world existed far before they arrived on the scene and will continue after they are gone. Listening to stories helps children feel connected to the living history of their families. As Pope Francis wrote in Amoris Laetitia, “A family that fails to respect and cherish its grandparents, who are its living memory, is already in decline, whereas a family that remembers has a future” (No. 193).

As parents continue to love their adult children, they should remember that there is a powerful tool that all parents have at their disposal no matter how many of their children live under their roof: their family culture. Family culture is an unspoken set of expectations, beliefs, and values that communicates more powerfully than words. The culture within a family communicates what is accepted, what is tolerated, and what is forbidden. Nourishing a dynamic family culture that expresses beauty, goodness, and truth through attractive and engaging traditions, rituals, and celebrations can transmit deeply held beliefs. These events communicate more profoundly than any spoken word. They can continue to affect your children and grandchildren for years to come and can affirm the values that families hold dear.

MIKE AND ALICIA HERNON are co-founders of the Messy Family Project, a ministry that provides podcasts, written resources, and courses that encourage parents to embrace their sacred calling (www.messyfamilyproject.org).