A husband’s grief observed – with faith, help, and tears

November begins with All Saints’ Day and is immediately followed by All Souls’ Day. My wife and I would go to those services annually. I went last November, but without her, as she had died the previous July. Her name was called, and a photo of her—along with photos of others—was placed near the altar.

We all deal with grief. The extent of our relationship with the deceased will have a direct bearing on how strong that grief is. My mom, with whom I was extremely close, died when I was 13. Over the years, other family members, as well as friends and neighbors, have died. But nothing prepared me for the impact of the death of my beloved Betty, whom I had met 50 years before and to whom I was wed for nearly 48.

Because Betty’s death wasn’t sudden—she had been diagnosed with idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis (IPF) nine years earlier—I was able to prepare myself a bit. I began reading books on grieving a few weeks before she died.

The first was C.S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed, about the death of his wife. He, like I, was angry at God. My wife, a non-smoker, died because of a lung disease. She was wonderful, kind, special; my lover, soul mate, best friend; a great wife, superb mother, phenomenal grandmother. Why her?

A priest friend told me it was okay to get angry at God; He can take it. In The Book of Job, When Bad Things Happened to a Good Person, Rabbi Harold S. Kushner wrote that if we love someone, we should be able to be angry with him; this includes God.

But we cannot remain angry; it’s not healthy. Eventually we need to shift our focus to how blessed we were to have that person in our lives.

After my wife died, I stopped praying. I just couldn’t confront God other than through my anger and heartache. But eventually I realized I needed to return to Him, give Him thanks for my blessings, and ask Him to watch over my beautiful bride.

Fred Colby’s Widower to Widower was particularly helpful. Colby, like I, had been married to his sweetheart for a few decades. I could relate to much of what he offered. Two pieces of advice I heeded were to get counseling and to join a grief group.

Despite the presence of COVID, my grief counselor came to my home, socially distanced, and listened to my anger, sadness, and heartache. She offered great counsel and advice. I continue to chat with her, though now by phone, since I relocated to Naples, FL, from our New Jersey home.

In the grief group I met a Legatus member whose husband died a few days before Betty. We have since become friends. Having someone to FaceTime, chat, or text with who was dealing with the same kind of grief was helpful for us both.

We discover that our grief comes in waves. Over time, the magnitude of the grieving will likely diminish, and the time between grief episodes will lengthen. Strangely, however, it can quickly return, often for unforeseen reasons: it can be triggered by a thought, something someone says, or a song you hear.

It’s important to realize that expressing your sadness is fine. If someone objects, it’s not your problem. We are allowed to cry, expected to cry, and need to cry.

We all grieve. If it’s someone especially close to you, don’t be afraid to get counseling, consider a grief group, and read books on grieving. This has all been very helpful for me.

DAVID D. SPAULDING joined Legatus a year ago and moved from New Jersey to Naples, FL in March. He is the founder and CEO of The Spaulding Group, a New Jersey-headquartered financial services firm that focuses on performance and risk measurement.